


There's No Excuse for Being a Jerk

by seekingtomorrow



Series: A Feast for Bros [5]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-01
Updated: 2013-04-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 03:32:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/743710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekingtomorrow/pseuds/seekingtomorrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sansa opened her mouth to contradict him, but Jon beat her to the punch. "I'm not saying I like Joffrey. I think he's a pompous little brown-noser who has his head stuck so far up his butt that he literally talks crap, but I think the same thing of Theon and I care about him." (In a modern, alternate universe, Joffrey turns out to be a pretty decent guy.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's No Excuse for Being a Jerk

**Author's Note:**

> For AuroreMartell :)

Sansa breathed in. Then she breathed out again. _Take deep breaths._

Damn. Images of Joffrey's perfectly coiffed head full of flowing golden locks (damn you good genetics) kept filling her head.

_Deep breaths. In and out._

His perfect smile.

_TAKE MANY DEEP BREATHS. MANY. DEEP. BREATHS._

And when her dog died because Cersei Lannister ran it over with her gigantic, ostentatious Hummer, Joffrey had insisted it was Lady's fault. He didn't even think about Sansa's feelings.

She clenched her teeth so hard; she could nearly hear a crack.

"Sansa! Sansa, Sansa, Sansa, Sansa, Sansa!"

"WHAT?"

An overly eager Robb popped his head into her room. "I'm having a movie marathon! Wanna watch?"

Sansa cocked her head.

"It's Nicholas Sparks! Theon said I should get in touch with my sensitive side, so I thought that watching romantic movies would be a good start! You're a fan of those, aren't you? Wanna watch?"

Sansa sighed. She was in no mood to be dealing with her brothers. "No thank you Robb. Maybe another time."

Robb pouted. "But without you, how am I supposed to pick up on all the subtleties of romancing a girl? Sansa, I need your help!"

"Robb," Sansa said, her tone final and shockingly like her mother. "I have work to do."

"Oh." Robb's vibrant countenance visibly deflated. "Oh!" His face brightened and he began to nod. "You want some alone time to phone your friend-boy and you don't want your bothersome big brother to get in the way! I see. Well, I'll just leave you now. Play it safe!"

And before Sansa could chuck a book at his head—metaphorically of course because a real lady never uses physical violence; she makes people bleed with her words—Robb waltzed out of her room.

"Did you really break up with Joffrey?"

Sansa turned, sighing. "Robb, can you please go away?"

Jon stood at the door. His hand was curled into a fist, poised as if to knock.

"Oh," Sansa turned back to her window-gazing and meditation.

"I asked you a question," Jon said politely. "Did you really break up with Joffrey?"

She opened one eye. She didn't normally have one-on-one conversations with Jon. Arya got along with him much better and it almost felt awkward without her there to guide the conversation. "Yes we broke up," Sansa affirmed. "Does that answer your question?"

"Why?"

Sansa whirled around, eyes blazing. "Why?"

Jon immediately took a step back.

"Why?" She repeated. Then she calmed herself. "Because Joffrey is a jerk. He's mean and selfish and a horrible person and I never want to see him again."

"Are you sure?" Jon pressed.

"Of course I'm sure!"

"Is it because he took his mom's side?"

"His mom ran over Lady!" Sansa insisted. "Instead of even trying to make me feel better, he went ahead and started defending his mom!"

Jon smiled sadly. Walking over to Sansa, he sat down on the bed beside her and wrapped an arm around her. "If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you have taken mom's side?"

"That's different!"

"How so?"

Sansa rolled her eyes. "We don't drive a Hummer. What car do we own that's capable of k-killing an animal? Robb's Prius?"

"That's not the point. You would have taken mom's side out of loyalty to your family. Joffrey did the same."

Sansa opened her mouth to contradict him, but Jon beat her to the punch. "I'm not saying I like Joffrey. I think he's a pompous little brown-noser who has his head stuck so far up his ass that he literally talks shit, but I think the same thing of Theon and I care about him."

"So you're saying it's okay to care about pompous little assholes?" Sansa said drily.

"What I'm saying is that we all have flaws and if you care about someone enough, you'll learn to accept them for who they are."

Sansa looked down at her hands. "I guess you're right."

"You do?" Jon brightened and stood up. "Then you're ready to have a talk with Joffrey?"

"I suppose so," she replied.

"Good." Jon nodded. Then he opened Sansa's window. "Arya! Theon! She's ready!"

"What the—?" Sansa ran to her window and peered out.

"HI SANSA!" Arya and Theon called out in unison. Between them was a figure whose head was obscured by what looked like someone's boxers.

"What the hell are you guys doing?"

"We're doing you a favour!" Arya said.

"Don't you want to see your boy-toy?" Theon teased, shoving the mysterious individual forward. He yanked off the boxers.

"Pppfftt!" Joffrey spat. "Were those… _underpants_?" He asked, sounding completely horrified.

Theon beamed with delight. "Yes," he nodded, "yes they were."

"You covered my face with underpants." Joffrey's voice became frighteningly monotone. "Whose genius idea was that?"

"Actually it was mine," Arya chimed in. "Theon wanted to use stockings but I decided on boxers because it's just that much more humiliating."

"You guys really don't like me do you?"

Arya and Theon exchanged cheerful glances. "Not at all!" They exclaimed simultaneously.

"We hate your guts," Arya informed.

"You're such a mommy's boy and it's so annoying," Theon added.

"But Sansa, for some strange reason, really likes you," Arya sighed.

"So we put up with it," Theon continued.

"But if you ever make Sansa upset, I will end you." Arya's tone turned deadly.

"We'll even make it look like an accident." Theon rubbed his hands together gleefully.

"I hear Rickon's quite fond of fire," Arya pondered.

"Fire doesn't leave behind any traces." Theon smirked.

Joffrey looked terrified.

"Guys!" Jon called from the window. "You brought Joffrey here for a reason! Can we please get on with it because he decides to file for harassment?"

Theon sighed dramatically. "Jon's no fun."

"Hey," Arya nudged him. "Let's go cow-tipping later."

Theon brightened immensely. "Yeah! Farmer Davos is going to get so mad at us!"

"Joffrey," Jon addressed the boy. "Don't you have something you want to say to Sansa?"

"What?" Joffrey asked confusedly. "I thought she said she never wanted to talk to me ever again!"

"Girls always say that!" Out a nowhere, a new voice joined the yelling. Robb poked his head out the living room window. "If I've learned anything from Nicholas Sparks, it's that women will say one thing and mean another. Jon, you should watch this stuff! It's really informative."

"Sansa, is your entire family like this?"

"You're the one who wanted to date me!"

"And I still want to!"

All background chatter ceased. Robb nearly fell out of his window. Arya and Theon froze, their mouths hanging wide open. Jon smirked inwardly, but managed to maintain an expression of casual disinterest.

"What did you say?" Sansa asked, scared to press further.

Joffrey turned to Theon. "Can you please get these off of me?" He asked, referring to the stockings that were binding his hands together. "Thanks." He faced Sansa. "Yes, I mean it."

"I don't believe you."

From behind Joffrey, Arya and Theon let out identical groans. Joffrey ignored them. "Listen, I'm sorry about what happened to your dog! I'm sorry about being such a jerk, but you know my mom!"

"You could have called or something."

"I should've," Joffrey agreed. "And I'm sorry I didn't. I was angry at you because of what you said."

"That you were a mommy's boy with no backbone who was destined to live in his parent's basement until the age of thirty?"

"Yes."

"And that you were an insensitive jerk with a huge sense of self-entitlement and—"

"Yes, I remember what you said. I don't expect you to apologize for saying it because you were right. And I'm sorry."

Sansa's face softened. "I forgive you."

Joffrey smiled. Suddenly, a wadded up ball of cotton hit the right side of his face.

"Ppppaannsssyyy," Arya mocked.

"Ignore them," Sansa advised.

"Can I get another chance?" Joffrey asked. "I promise I'll try to be a better person."

"And I promise to try and be less quick to judge."

The two stared at each other, smiling idiotically until they heard something that sounded a lot like a foghorn.

"That was absolutely beautiful!" Robb blubbered. "I've watched nearly all Nicholas Sparks' films and nothing could compare to the raw emotion I felt just now! Bravo, bravo!"

Everyone in the vicinity just watched him cry, not quite sure how to handle the situation.

"Would you like a tissue?" Joffrey offered, trying to be more of a polite gentleman.

"Yes please!" Robb said through his tears.

Joffrey checked his pockets. He had no tissues. Scanning the ground, he noticed the ball of cotton Arya had thrown at him earlier. He grimaced and picked it up gingerly. "Er…this is all I could find."

"Thank you!" Robb grabbed the boxers from Joffrey's outstretched hand and blew into it with loudly.

Theon's face contorted into an expression of disgust. "Does nobody realize we got these boxers out of Jon's laundry basket?"

"These were from Jon's laundry basket?" Arya shrieked. "I thought they were clean! Theon, that's disgusting!"

"You took my boxers?" Jon yelled angrily.

"You put someone's dirty underpants on my head?" Joffrey clutched at his blond hair.

"Can you kids keep it down over there before I come over and beat you sorry sons of whores?" Yoren, the neighbourhood drunkard yelled.

Everyone shut up immediately.

"That man is frightening," Joffrey murmured.

Theon pretended to wipe a tear away from his eye. "He's a man after my own heart."

Arya tugged at his sleeve. "Can we go cow-tipping now?"

Suddenly a shriek broke the brief silence. "Did you guys take ALL MY UNDERPANTS?"

Robb actually fell out of the window this time.

"Uhh…can someone please give me a ride home? My mom doesn't know I've left the house and she gets mad if I don't tell her where I am. And does anybody have a phone I can borrow? I should probably call her."


End file.
